Disorder in the courtroom

My godson, Adam, is studying to become a Court Reporter.  Based on published hilarious episodes in the courtroom, as evidenced by the examples below, I told my BFF Josie (Adam’s mom) that he better have a poker face when he gets to work in the courthouse.  Giggling to death is a possibility, but Adam might stay forever young laughing on the job.

Josie, thanks for sharing these rib-tickling moments.  I almost died laughing!

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER    

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court   reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS:        He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY:     And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:        My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS:        Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     Are you sexually active?

WITNESS:        No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS:        Yes.

ATTORNEY:     And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:        I forget..

ATTORNEY:     You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in  voodoo?

WITNESS:        We both do.

ATTORNEY:     Voodoo?

WITNESS:        We do..

ATTORNEY:     You do?

WITNESS:        Yes, voodoo.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he

                          doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:        Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY:     The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS:        He's 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________  

ATTORNEY:     Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS:        Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS:        Yes.

ATTORNEY:     And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS:        Getting laid.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     She had three children, right?

WITNESS:        Yes.

ATTORNEY:     How many were boys?

WITNESS:        None.

ATTORNEY:     Were there any girls?

WITNESS:        Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new

                           attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:        By death..

ATTORNEY:     And by whose death was it  terminated?

WITNESS:        Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:        He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY:     Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS:        Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

____________________________________

ATTORNEY:     Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead

                          people?

WITNESS:        All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS:        Oral...

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     Do you recall the time that  you examined the body?

WITNESS:        The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY:     And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS:        If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     Are you qualified to give a urine  sample?

WITNESS:         Are you qualified to ask that question?

_______________________________________________

And  last:

ATTORNEY:     Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a

                          pulse?

WITNESS:        No.

ATTORNEY:     Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS:        No.

ATTORNEY:     Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS:        No.

ATTORNEY:     So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the

                          autopsy?

WITNESS:        No.

ATTORNEY:     How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS:        Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY:     I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS:        Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

A must-read for miracle believers

Do you believe in miracles?  If you care to know, I'm an absolute believer.  In fact, I love saying that my life has been run on miracles.  

This story came to my attention through Lina, my long lost... and FOUND...high school classmate, with whom I reunited just recently... after 43 years!  That in itself is a MIRACLE.

Thanks, Lina!

THE CROCHETED TABLECLOTH

Beautiful story.... makes you understand that things happen for a reason…

The brand new pastor and his wife, newly assigned to their first ministry, to reopen a church in suburban Brooklyn, arrived in early October excited about their opportunities. When they saw their church, it was very run down and needed much work. They set a goal to have everything done in time to have their first service on Christmas Eve.

They worked hard, repairing pews, plastering walls, painting, etc, and on December 18 were ahead of schedule and just about finished.

On December 19 a terrible tempest - a driving rainstorm hit the area and lasted for two days.

On the 21st, the pastor went over to the church. His heart sank when he saw that the roof had leaked, causing a large area of plaster about 20 feet by 8 feet to fall off the front wall of the sanctuary just behind the pulpit, beginning about head high.

The pastor cleaned up the mess on the floor, and not knowing what else to do but postpone the Christmas Eve service, headed home. On the way he noticed that a local business was having a flea market type sale for charity so he stopped in. One of the items was a beautiful, handmade, ivory colored, crocheted tablecloth with exquisite work, fine colors and a Cross embroidered right in the center. It was just the right size to cover up the hole in the front wall. He bought it and headed back to the church.

By this time it had started to snow. An older woman running from the opposite direction was trying to catch the bus. She missed it. The pastor invited her to wait in the warm church for the next bus 45 minutes later. She sat in a pew and paid no attention to the pastor while he got a ladder, hangers, etc. to put up the tablecloth as a wall tapestry.  The pastor could hardly believe how beautiful it looked and it covered up the entire problem area.

Then he noticed the woman walking down the center aisle. Her face was like a sheet.  'Pastor,' she asked, 'where did you get that tablecloth?'  The pastor explained. The woman asked him to check the lower right corner to see if the initials, EBG were crocheted into it there. They were. These were the initials of the woman, and she had made this tablecloth 35 years before, in Austria.

The woman could hardly believe it as the pastor told how he had just gotten the Tablecloth.  The woman explained that before the war she and her husband were well-to-do people in Austria. When the Nazis came, she was forced to leave. Her husband was going to follow her the next week.

He was captured, sent to prison and never saw her husband or her home again.

The pastor wanted to give her the tablecloth; but she made the pastor keep it for the church.  The pastor insisted on driving her home, that was the least he could do. She lived on the other side of Staten Island and was only in Brooklyn for the day for a housecleaning job.

What a wonderful service they had on Christmas Eve.  The church was almost full.  The music and the spirit were great.  At the end of the service, the pastor and his wife greeted everyone at the door and many said that they would return. One older man, whom the pastor recognized from the neighborhood continued to sit in one of the pews and stare, and the pastor wondered why he wasn't leaving.

The man asked him where he got the tablecloth on the front wall because it was identical to one that his wife had made years ago when they lived in Austria before the war and how could there be two tablecloths so much alike.

He told the pastor how the Nazis came, how he forced his wife to flee for her safety and he was supposed to follow her, but he was arrested and put in a prison. He never saw his wife or his home again all the 35 years in between.

The pastor asked him if he would allow him to take him for a little ride. They drove to Staten Island and to the same house where the pastor had taken the woman three days earlier.

He helped the man climb the three flights of stairs to the woman's apartment, knocked on the door and he saw the greatest Christmas reunion he could ever imagine.

True Story - submitted by Pastor Rob Reid Who says God does work in mysterious ways...

I asked the Lord to bless you as I prayed for you today, to guide you and protect you as you go along your way.  His love is always with you, His promises are true, and when we give Him all our cares you know He will see us through.

So when the road you're traveling on seems difficult at best.  Just remember I'm here praying and God will do the rest. Send this to those whom you want God to bless. Pray also that the Lord blesses the person who sent this message to you.  

When there is nothing left but God, when you find out that God is all you need. Take 60 seconds and give this a shot! All you do is simply say the following small prayer.

Father, God, bless all my friends and family in whatever it is that You know they may need this day! May their life be full of your peace, prosperity and power and HEALTH as he/she seeks to have a closer relationship with you. Amen.

Sit back and watch the power of God work in your life.

TO GOD BE THE GLORY.

HONOR GOD. MAKE DISCIPLES.

Lina 

Prayers for travelling people

How many of us bother to say a prayer before we embark on a journey?  Many spend time getting all wrapped up in the excitement of a trip that offers a refreshing change or the much needed breather from the workaday world.  Be it a short trip to work or a long distance travel to a fascinating destination, it wouldn’t hurt to pause for a moment of spiritual silence.  The only constant in this planet is uncertainty.  It will certainly do us a world of good to seek protection from a Higher Power so that we remain shielded from harm in life’s unpredictable journeys. 

TRAVELLER'S PRAYER # 1 (Before starting a Journey)

http://www.catholic.org/prayers/prayer.php?p=2886

My holy Angel Guardian, ask the Lord to bless the journey which I undertake, that it may profit the health of my soul and body; that I may reach its end, and that, returning safe and sound, I may find my family in good health. Do thou guard, guide and preserve us.
Amen.

TRAVELLER'S PRAYER # 2 (Before starting a Journey)

http://www.catholic.org/prayers/prayer.php?p=2887

O Almighty and merciful God, who hast commissioned Thy angels to guide and protect us, command them to be our assiduous companions from our setting out until our return; to clothe us with their invisible protection; to keep from us all danger of collision, of fire, of explosion, of fall and bruises, and finally, having preserved us from all evil, and especially from sin, to guide us to our heavenly home. Through Jesus Christ, our Lord.
Amen.

A HIKING PRAYER

http://www.catholic.org/prayers/prayer.php?p=1364

Lord Jesus, Help me to be straightforward like the sky-seeking redwood tree. May my generosity be like the sap which ascends and nourishes. May my soul be clear like the spring water at its origin. May my will be like the faultless granite. May You be always throughout my life a constant companion. May the cross which rises at the crossroads be for me like the meeting of a friend.
Amen. 

THE MOTORCYCLIST'S PRAYER

http://www.catholic.org/prayers/prayer.php?p=2115

O, dear Father, I ask for you to watch over me as I ride from point a to b. Help all other motorists to see me clearly and help me to stay out of their way. Bring me back to my family in one-piece dear God, these things I pray.
Amen.

THE MOTORIST'S PRAYER

http://www.catholic.org/prayers/prayer.php?p=1242

Grant me O Lord a steady hand and watchful eye. That no one shall be hurt as I pass by. Thou gavest life, I pray no act of mine May take away or mar that gift of Thine. Shelter those, dear Lord, who bear me company, From the evils of fire and all calamity. Teach me to use my car for others need; Nor miss through love of undue speed The beauty of the world; that thus I may With joy and courtesy go on my way. St. Christopher, holy patron of travellers, Protect me and lead me safely to my destiny.

Ashley’s redemption

Before Ashley Hebert's version of “The Bachelorette” (hereafter referred to as TB) premiered, I vowed never to watch it.  I felt shortchanged from previous seasons after the leads and their chosen typically broke up months after the show wrapped up.

So on that Monday night when Ashley met the 25 hopeful bachelors, I felt a sense of pride thinking that I had finally overcome my formerly TB-addicted self by watching a dvd movie instead.  The next day on the ride home, my reality TV bus buddy (Doug) asked if I watched the TB meet-and-greet episode.  I told him that I missed it and, without mincing words, made it known to him that I was totally done with TB and had no intention of watching the coming episodes.  Well, Doug gave me "the look"... the how-dare-you-not-watch-it-so-that-we-can-compare-notes kind of rexpression.  That look succeeded in making me second-guess my decision.  You see, Doug is not just any guy I share the homeward ride with.  He’s my reality TV partner in crime!

So I assured him that I would catch the TB premiere rerun that coming Saturday night.  The weekend came and I almost didn’t want to keep my promise.  To be honest, the TB premiere cocktail party meet-and-greet has been anything but exciting.  This time there was a masked guy who made this season utterly disdainful.  For me the first episode left a bad taste in the mouth when one guy named Tim (a liquor distributor) got himself shamelessly drunk and ended up snoring himself  to sleep.  Ashley made her first out-of-the-box move by sending the drunken bachelor home.  If that man was really there to meet TB and find love, he should have made sobriety his first priority, right?

Honestly, from that episode on I could have turned away from TB, but the season previews became fodder for my curiosity.  Ashley cried a bucket of tears and it seemed that she was crying in every episode.  I had never watched a bachelorette cry so much and I just had to see what the drama was all about.

I couldn't believe that despite pre-taping warnings from a fellow bachelorette about one of the bachelors (Bentley's) malicious intentions, Ashley allowed herself to dive deep, only to fall flat on her face.  Bentley became the center of her TB universe to the unfair disadvantage of the other bachelors who were there to find love. 

The Bentley brouhaha inspired in me a feeling of loathing for the TB producers for allowing such disrespectful below-the-belt behavior towards the lead.  After a short stay at the bachelor pad, Bentley left and broke Ashley's heart.  Even with Bentley gone, TB failed to get closure  and even in the company of the more deserving bachelors, she couldn't help thinking about him.  In Hong Kong Ashley got a Chris Harrison surprise:  an unexpected visit from Bentley.  The opportunity allowed her to see him for what he really was, never mind that it came after satan-trapped-in-a-man's-body got an all expense-paid trip to Asia.  Her Bentley fixation over, TB finally woke up from her self-induced coma before she ended up looking like a total fool.

Hong Kong may have been the end of her Bentley romantic folly, but it was the beginning of her genuine love quest.  The dates happened in exotic places in Asia that many people can only dream about.  The South Pacific Fiji epsiodes provided a breathtaking setting for Ashley's journey in finding her man.

In the past when watching TB, one guy usually stands out as the one who would get the girl.  In this season, the guy named Jordan Paul Rosenbaum (J.P. for short) was my pick for Ashley.  From my TV comfort zone, he seemed to have the qualities of a husband material...  mature, honest, protective, sincere, trustworthy, even jealous.  If he's also financially independent, he certainly had my vote.  He seemed the type who would catch Ashley if and when she fell.  In addition, he lit up in the TB's company.  Ashley must have known he was the one because he was the first bachelor she confided in about her Bentley encounter in Hong Kong.  The rest of the guys found out about it during the cocktail party, but JP had a handle on the matter before anyone else.  That screamed volumes!

Then later on when Ryan (the bachelor who was sent home prior to the hometown dates) dropped in unexpectedly in Fiji to plead his case, again JP was the first to know about it.  It was obvious that TB was comfortable baring her heart to this guy!  In other words, long before the hometown dates... the fantasy dates... the final dates... and the Final Rose Ceremony, I had the suspicion that JP would be wearing the last rose on his lapel.  Never mind that Ashley’s older sister Chrystie gave JP hell during the meet-the-family date.  JP got mad for being judged so harshly and Ashley called her sister (whose opinion she valued most in the world) that nasty five-letter word that starts with a “b.”  I knew from that point on that Ashley was JP-attached.  One only had to look at the sticky glances Ashley and JP exchanged, and the unmistakable chemistry only bodies SuperGlued together can demonstrate, to realize that the JP-A coupling was bound to happen.

So in the end the construction manager from New York and the dentist-to-be from Maine sealed their romantic deal on the beautiful shore of Fiji. Ashley ended up with a gorgeous $60,000 Neil Lane diamond engagement ring.  In post-Finale interviews, Ashley has declared her intentions to move to New York to be with The One.  Now it’s anybody’s guess whether or not Ashley’s plan to be married next fall would come to pass.  For the sake of TB happy ending, I hope she becomes Mrs. J.P. Rosenbaum.

photo credit:  abc

The adorable Mr. and Mrs. Obama

My old pal (thanks, Lina!) sent me the following anecdote about our US President Barrack Obama and First Lady Michelle.  It’s a cute testament to the fact that even a power pair has their “normal married couple” moments.

Women Power

One night, President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn't too luxurious.  When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the president's Secret Service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.

Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle why the owner was so interested in speaking to her.

Michelle mentioned that in her teenage years, the owner had been madly in love with her.

President Obama then said, "So, if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant."

To which Michelle responded, "No, if I had married him, he would now be the President!"

Looking for a van?

Lina, a high school chum of mine, sent this funny e-mail recently.  May it bring you the laughter you need on a stressful day!

My friend is selling his VAN. Please see pix below to see if u like it. 

It's still in very good running  condition Selling Price is 120,000.00 pesos (Negotiable).

The best way to live

From my old friend Lina came this wonderful piece about enjoying life’s simple pleasures… and finding utter joy in the process.  It's really so true that "the best things in life are free"!

T-O-T-A-L-L-Y  F-R-E-E!

Thanks, Lina!

HOW TO LIVE LIFE.....

Be Calm... Quiet... Tranquil.... 

Bloom as often as you can...

Stay close to your Family....

Explore the world around you....

Enjoy the relaxing rhythm of waves...

W A T C H  T H E  M O O N   R I S E....

Spread your wings and take off on your own...

Then enjoy the comfort of coming home again...

Life is short. 

 Let me say that again....

Life is SHORT!!

Please...  While you can...

Take time to enjoy all the little pleasures

that God has provided for you....

If you need some hints....

Go back and read this again!