"If I can lift you up when you're down, I would have done a very good job! Thank you for dropping by."



Sunday, August 7, 2011

Disorder in the courtroom

My godson, Adam, is studying to become a Court Reporter.  Based on published hilarious episodes in the courtroom, as evidenced by the examples below, I told my BFF Josie (Adam’s mom) that he better have a poker face when he gets to work in the courthouse.  Giggling to death is a possibility, but Adam might stay forever young laughing on the job.
Josie, thanks for sharing these rib-tickling moments.  I almost died laughing!

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER    
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court   reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:        He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:     And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:        My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:        Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:        No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:        Yes.
ATTORNEY:     And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:        I forget..
ATTORNEY:     You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in  voodoo?
WITNESS:        We both do.
ATTORNEY:     Voodoo?
WITNESS:        We do..
ATTORNEY:     You do?
WITNESS:        Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
                          doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:        Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY:     The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:        He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________  

ATTORNEY:     Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:        Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:        Yes.
ATTORNEY:     And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:        Getting laid.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     She had three children, right?
WITNESS:        Yes.
ATTORNEY:     How many were boys?
WITNESS:        None.
ATTORNEY:     Were there any girls?
WITNESS:        Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
                           attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:        By death..
ATTORNEY:     And by whose death was it  terminated?
WITNESS:        Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:        He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:     Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:        Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY:     Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
                          people?
WITNESS:        All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:        Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     Do you recall the time that  you examined the body?
WITNESS:        The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:     And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:        If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     Are you qualified to give a urine  sample?
WITNESS:         Are you qualified to ask that question?
_______________________________________________

And  last:

ATTORNEY:     Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
                          pulse?
WITNESS:        No.
ATTORNEY:     Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:        No.
ATTORNEY:     Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:        No.
ATTORNEY:     So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
                          autopsy?
WITNESS:        No.
ATTORNEY:     How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:        Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:     I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:        Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.